"Angel"

 "..it was us way before then, and we're still together. And I meant every word I said, when I said that I love you, I meant that I love you forever." -REO Speedwagon

In the background as I write  REO Speedwagon reminds me of yesteryear. Being the romantic I am, and carrying the lonely heart that beats in my chest, listening to REO after midnight is probably not the best idea. But life is what it is. I reflect on past loves... this is part one of "Angel"...

 I was young at heart but a bit seasoned in the ways of love when I met Angel.. we met from an online site and the first time I saw Angel in real life I was concerned that she wasn't my "type". I was arrogant and cocky and "knew" that I had the world at my beckon call. Angel and I talked for a moment followed by a quick lunch date. Right away I could discern that Angel was the type of woman that was very career oriented and she had already at an early age worked her way up the corporate ladder. She was, impressive. The attraction was mutual.

Had I known then, what I know now, I would have proposed to Angel the first day we met and there is no doubt in my mind that we would have lived happily ever after - that is, unless I did something to screw it up. Which I am fully capable of doing.  But sadly, the day we met,  I did not propose to Angel. What I did do, is continue to see her. However, a short while after we started dating,  I realized Angel wanted more, she wanted a relationship, but... she was scared. She was recently divorced from a man that stole her heart and left her wanting. And though her divorce had been over for a year, she had not found herself in the arms of another lover until I came along. She shared her thoughts with me and I respected them, and I respected her, but I did not respect love. Angel and I began seeing each other and our children came to be family. Angel, I believe at this time saw a future for us that involved wedding bells on a beach on some cozy Florida coastline. Unfortunately, wedding bells were not ringing in my ears- at all. As Angel and I courted I could not shake the feeling that I was not in love with her and that I was treading on dangerous grounds. At this point in my love-lives of past, I knew all to well the burn of heartbreak and I didn't want to impose that on anyone, especially Angel.

Angel asked for a commitment , a relationship, a status. Regretfully, I declined. Angel and I parted ways but circumstances and a small town, meant we saw each other almost daily. We were amicable but I could see the distance in her eyes. I could see the heart that was now being protected. I could, if I ever had the courage to look long enough, see the hurt I caused. I tried not to look at her very long during those days. It wouldn't be until almost a year later that I would come to realize that I did love Angel and that I walked away from her not because I didn't love her, but because I was scared to admit it -not just to her, but to myself. And sadly, I wouldn't realize until years later that this self sabotaging act would evolve into a habit.

A year passed after Angel and I stopped seeing each other and Angel grew into a different person. She grew into a successful, radiant, beautiful barracuda that would chew men up and spit them out. I watched her over the course of a year leap from one man to another. Her beauty and demeanor sprinkled eloquently atop an encyclopedia of confidence was memorizing to men and envied by women. She was upfront with them; she admitted that she wouldn't be faithful to them if they fell for her. She warned them that she wouldn't fall for them. She had in fact turned icy cold when it came to matters of the heart. She was rather parsimonious with her feelings and I knew why. I began to wonder if she would ever love someone. She blamed her career. She would say to me that she wouldn't get involved with anyone because her work came first. The truth is she worked way too much and I even warned her for it. I believe in hind-site my warning was prophetic.

Yes, we were friends during this year of her change. I say change, because she did change. She changed from the sweet, seemingly innocent beautiful person that believed in love- into a cold hearted woman of the world chasing paydays, living the nightlife, and doing shots with the "in crowd", rubbing elbows (and presumably more) with the rich and famous.  But let me make it clear, she was attractive in a "I know who I am and what I want" kind of sexy way, but my Angel.. the Angel I met for the first time while she was on the phone, my perfect Angel,  was still hidden behind the facade and I could see it.

It happened at a party we both attended. Famous people were there and the drinks were flowing but nothing mattered to me when all of sudden she decided her hand at karokee. For the first time, I saw her glowing. I don't know how to describe it other than to say that the entire room disappeared. The spot light was on her and I certainly thought she was singing exactly and only to me. And in an flash, as if I had been carried out of my body and into the future, I saw her standing in front of me with her face veiled and our children giggling. I saw the happiness we would share for the rest of our lives after saying "I do". I fell  completely,  and madly in love with her. I didn't see it coming, and worst of all -neither did she.

Angel had been dating someone when this revelation came to me, and I knew that. I didn't care. I knew that they did not have a future and he was just a "toy" for her. I knew her better than anyone else.

I called her after the party. I thought she was still in love with me. I hoped I was right.  I poured my heart out to her and found out that I was wrong. She was not in love with me anymore, but I did not believe her.  I pursued her as much as she would allow - which wasn't much. Day after day I proclaimed my love for her. It wasn't until I felt the constant sting of rejection that it started to sink in just exactly how much I must have really hurt her. She was boxed up like a package and I knew it was my fault.

Several months passed and I watched her, painfully, bounce from one "relationship" to the next. I chose not to date, for how could I with my heart belonging to another? A year passed and my withering heart began to cry out-loud for loneliness' sake. It was Christmas and Angel had been in a relationship that I actually began to fear. She would talk to me about it and the sparkle in her eyes were daggers to my soul. I tried to play it off, but she knew - or how could she not know- that I was still in love with her. The fateful day she killed my heart was a Tuesday. She called me and told me that she was going to Paris and that her beau was going to propose and that she would say yes. I held back my tears but I knew I could not give up. "You're not meant to be with him",  I exclaimed.. "You're only getting married because you want the marriage, you DON'T love him- do you??!"

She paused.

Her pause sang heavenly notes to my soul. She couldn't answer. I demanded that she admit she still loved me. She would not. "Can you not see it? Can you not see that WE are meant to be?" She claimed, she didn't see it and with that -my dying heart at that very moment took its last breath. I answered the phone that morning as a man in love hanging on by a string, and hung up as a man having lost love. Having given love its final goodbye and having buried my heart in its sordid grave.

The day of the wedding came and went. She wasn't there. She broke  up with him only a few weeks later. She told me in person. It was after 10 the night my doorbell rang. I answered and to my surprise I saw my Angel. "What are you doing here?" I asked with every guard of my well being put up. My heart had shed enough tears and I wasn't about to give it to her again.

Funny how love is never easy.

She came in and leaned against the wall. I asked again, "What are you doing here?" She couldn't look me in the eyes, my heart started pounding in my chest. I was shocked at how easily my heart was ready and willing to take another beating, to take another chance. She glanced at me and for the first time since we met, I saw the beauty in her eyes again that I once loved so much. She said sweetly,  "I came for you.."

My head started racing with a zillion responses but my voice was not found. Instead my lips pulled me into hers, and I kissed her. I knew that I would not let love go. I knew that this was my chance. I knew that cupid was smiling that night and that I need not be arrogant, nor test the waters. I knew that I needed to love her and let her love me. And so, I did.

But alas love is not kind. Angel and I did not love as we should have. We tried, but old habits are hard to break. We both faulted on love's gift. We both walked away with a promise to remain friends. I watched my new found friend sink back into man hopping and I carved a piece of my heart with her name and gave it to her. In return she graced me with me a piece of hers.

Love is a funny thing... Angel and I could never be together the way we wanted because of circumstances beyond our control, but something (cupid perhaps) has years later changed those circumstances. And while I still think of Angel as one of my most beloved friends, I often wonder- "Could I have been wrong about our future, that I so vividly saw?" It  wouldn't be for another year before I would dare lend my heart to another girl after finally parting ways from my Angel. In fact, two lovers will pass between the time Angel and I walked away until now. I think about Angel often... I don't suspect that we will ever know the passion we once had.  A passion that was so intense we could hardly contain ourselves. Our intimate moments would be entertained anywhere at anytime during those days. We were in love and didn't even know it. I don't think we will ever see those days again and I'm ok with that.

Faithfully, my Angel, you will always be able to seek refuge  in the warmth of my arms. I wish you happiness, but above all, I wish you love.

-Box of Rocks